why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize