If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In America we eat man semen.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
