The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
