i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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