My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh god it's open bar.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
