Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Houston, we have a squirter
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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