I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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