Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
