im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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