My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
