Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
