The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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