so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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