Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
