Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
