just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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