If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize