and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
