What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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