so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
