Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
