I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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