The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
