i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
