So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
