That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
