**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
