So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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