Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
