I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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