we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
