Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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