Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
