i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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