I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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