I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
