My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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