history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
