i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
