I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
