i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
