this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
