Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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