I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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