That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
