highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just want nice things and good sex
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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