My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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