The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
