I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
