I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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