You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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