so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
