tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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