We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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