Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
