if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize