What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
