So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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