I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
